All in all, this was just done in good fun. It's total humor. Maybe even crackfic. I make fun of all the major characters in this fic, even my favorites. It's just silliness and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Because it deals with potential spoilery things for an episode that hasn't aired yet, I am putting all the info behind the cut, including the header info. Obviously, I can't do that in comms and I have posted it there. Though, I don't think my header is very spoilery at all. Just being catious for my flist.
Spoilers: Wormhole X-Treme and some spoilers for 200. Various previous seasons.
Pairing/Character: Team. References to a boat load of pairings.
Summary: It's pitch time and SG-1 definitely have a lot to say.
Warnings: minor language, sexual innuendo, and silliness.
Author's Notes: Solely speculative. In fact, I know that none of this will happen as I see it. I just wrote this for fun. I poke fun at all the characters in here, including my favorites. It's just a joke so don't take it too seriously ;) And many thanks to aurora_novarum for help on this.
Disclaimer: Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned establishments
Daniel watched Mitchell try to spin his pencil like a top for the tenth time. Daniel wanted to tell him it wasn't going to work, nor would it ever work, based on the nine – no, ten – previous times he'd tried it. And there he went again.
"I could quote you the theory of probability," Sam said from across the briefing room table, her bored gaze locked onto Mitchell.
"Nah, nah. Don't spoil my fun." He twirled again. Drop. "I'll get it."
"You're nothing if not perseverant," Daniel muttered.
The pencil wobbled, and dropped again, vibrating with a light tap.
"Hell, perseverance is my middle name," Mitchell said with a grin.
"I thought it was James," Daniel said.
"Is it not Mongo?" Teal'c asked.
"Ha, ha. You all are so funny," Mitchell mumbled, trying for now the fifteenth time.
Daniel was convinced he was going to try the pencil spinning all afternoon if General Landry didn't get here soon. He glanced down at his watch and sighed. He could be doing something much more…productive. Watching Mitchell play with his pencils just didn't make the cut.
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Landry said, entering the room. He jerked his hand, revealing he had Vala in tow. "But it appears that someone was left wandering the base."
"Hi, Daniel!' Vala called. She wrestled out of Landry's grip and bounded over to him, before she finally plopped into the seat beside him. "Did you miss me?"
Daniel forced a smile, finding the courage to look over to Landry. He wasn't amused.
"I thought you were having a physical?" Daniel asked.
"I was," she said simply. "I got bored."
"I found her poking around in one of the 'top-level clearance only' sites," Landry said, sending a no-nonsense look to Vala. "Seems to me someone has been slacking on an arranged agreement."
"It won't happen again," Daniel said.
"No, never," Vala added, drawing out the last word in a way that made Daniel want to disappear altogether.
Luckily, Sam had the sense to bring them back to the task at hand. "You wanted to see us, sir?"
Landry nodded. "There's a Martin Lloyd here to see you."
"Martin Lloyd?" she asked, failing to hide the shock in her voice. "Are you serious?"
"I'm afraid so," Landry muttered.
"Martin Lloyd…I know that name," Mitchell said.
"You should. We've had more than one file on him," Sam said. "He was this alien we encountered who had been living undercover here on Earth."
"No, no. I heard it somewhere else…Oh! He's the TV guy."
Teal'c tilted his head. "You speak of Wormhole X-Treme."
"Right on. That show was brilliant. I have all the DVDs."
"That show was canceled in its first season," Daniel reminded him. "Right after its pilot."
"Technically, its first episode," Mitchell said. "But you got all the behind the scenes features and the interviews." He shook his head. "People just didn't appreciate the message."
"What a shame," mumbled Daniel.
"What? What is this Wormhole X-Treme?" Vala asked, sliding her torso across the table to get a better view. "Why am I being left out again?"
"Trust me. You don't want to know," Daniel said.
"But I do want to know!"
"I'm afraid you're going to find out all too soon," said Landry. "Colonel Reynolds is escorting him to the briefing room."
"Sir?" Sam asked.
Landry wore that exasperated look that reminded Daniel of the time Nerus had been on base. "He's coming to pitch some ideas and get your input for a Wormhole X-Treme movie."
Dead silence. Daniel wasn't even sure how to process that information. This was a joke. Surely, it was a joke. It had been a joke the first time. He could not seriously believe the Air Force was going to put their stamp of approval on this for a second time.
Still, no one said a word.
Landry sighed. "I'm serious."
Before anyone could reply, Reynolds appeared in the doorway, bringing with him the mousy little man that Daniel recognized as Martin. He hadn't spent as much time with Martin than say Jack or Teal'c, but it didn't matter. Martin just had a certain look.
"Hi, everyone," Martin said, nervously shuttling his briefcase between hands. He hurried to the table, slipping into the seat next to Teal'c. "Hi, Murray."
Teal'c inhaled and looked away, rolling his eyes.
"So, I hear you got a movie in the works?" Mitchell asked. "I was a big fan of the show. Colonel Danning, Major Monroe, Doctor Levant, Grell…damn, that was good."
"You do realize that was based on us," Daniel said with a frown.
"Oh, hell, yeah. I know that," Mitchell said with a chuckle. "That makes it all the better."
"Oh?" Martin seemed pleased. But his look of satisfaction quickly was replaced with a look of confusion. "Who are you? Who is this?" he asked Teal'c. "Where's Colonel O'Neill?"
"General O'Neill is in Washington," Sam said.
"Washington? Oh no, but I need him here. Is he coming?"
Daniel stole a glance at Teal'c and then Sam. What was it about them that attracted all the crazy people?
Sam tried to let him down easy. "Martin, I don't think –"
"Did I hear my name?"
Daniel blinked with surprise as Jack poked his head through the doorway. Apparently, he wasn't the only one surprised. The rest of SG-1 stared at him as though he were a ghost. Landry welcomed him to take a seat.
Jack nodded his thanks, sliding into an empty seat next to Sam and across from Daniel. He placed his service cap on the table.
Everyone continued to stare at him.
"I know you!" Vala finally said. "I saw your picture in Colonel Mitchell's office."
Daniel had started to reach for some coffee, but nearly dropped his mug when he heard that one. Now the entire table focused their attention on Mitchell.
"You keep a picture of Jack in your office?" Daniel asked.
Mitchell wasn't perturbed in the least. "I've wanted to be on SG-1 for as long as I can remember."
"What's that have to do with a photo?" Jack asked.
Daniel didn't want to consider just how many photos and other paraphernalia Mitchell had stashed in his office.
"Hello?" Martin fidgeted in his seat. "I need to talk about my movie. It's important."
"All right, then," Jack said with a sigh. "Let's get this over with so I can head back out to D.C."
"Wait," Daniel said, holding up his hand. He did not just hear what he thought he'd heard. "You came all this way to talk to Martin Lloyd about a movie?" Daniel asked incredulously.
"It's a special occasion," Jack said.
Daniel shook his head. He decided he didn't want to know what constituted special and what didn't in Jack's twisted mind. It was bad enough he refused to take calls on Sunday nights just so he could watch the Simpsons in peace.
"Okay, Marty. Get cracking," Jack said.
Martin nodded. "I had this idea to do a movie since the sales for the DVDs went so well. Why not try a movie? It worked well for that other guy."
"You are not Joss Whedon," Teal'c said sternly.
Martin just ignored him. "But since you go through the Stargate so much I figure you could help give me inspiration."
"You mean give you ideas," Sam said.
"Something like that," he said in a quiet voice. "What do you think would be a cool idea?"
"We're seriously going to do this?" Sam asked Jack.
He nodded. "The Pentagon loves the idea. They think it's a great way to keep the conspiracy theorists quiet. Or look completely nuts."
They all stared at Martin.
"What?" he asked. "Ideas?"
But no one said a word. Daniel sat back and waited, but just as he'd expected, no one was too keen on jumping in and starting. He wasn't even sure what they could say. Anyone who spoke first could be accused of being egotistical. Anyone who didn't speak up at all could be wallpapered. This was just a no win situation.
Martin adjusted his glasses impatiently. "Anyone?"
"Maybe one of our missions?" Sam suggested.
"Yeah, but which one?" Jack asked.
"You guys went back in time?" Martin was gaping at them now.
"On more than one occasion," Teal'c said.
"I haven't," Mitchell said with a pout.
Vala reached across Daniel and patted Mitchell's hand. "There, there."
"So, what did you guys do?" Martin asked.
Jack shrugged. "Messed around with the time continuum something…"
"You don't want to write that," Sam told him. "Parallel universes, altered timelines…you run the risk of writing something with historical inaccuracies or even worse, writing yourself into a corner where you have to give a lame excuse to cover your mistakes."
Martin seemed to consider this. "That's a good point. But what do I write?"
"Why not write about Ascended beings?" Jack asked.
Daniel's head shot up over that remark.
Martin frowned. "What are Ascended--?"
"Vague, glowy pains in the ass."
Martin's frown deepened. "What do they do?"
Jack shrugged. "Beats me. I'm sure you'll be able to tell us more than we'll ever know."
"Oh, I don't think that's a good idea," Daniel mumbled.
"Why not?" Martin asked.
"He just doesn't want to you to write it because he was naked," Jack said.
"Naked?" Vala straightened in her chair. "You failed to tell me that this was a perk of Ascension."
"I'm sure it's more than just a perk." Jack shook his head. "You got to wonder what the hell they do on those other planes of existence."
Mitchell sighed. "Damn, sounds like a party."
"It wasn't a party."
"Oh, and how would you know, Mister Selective Memory?"
"Daniel was once Ascended," Sam explained. "He can't remember what happened during his time with the Ancients."
"Convenient," Jack said.
"Indeed," said Teal'c.
"Look, let's not bother with that," Daniel said. He scowled, trying to ignore the fact that Jack was holding up two fingers at Vala and miming "naked twice" with his mouth. Daniel felt his face getting hot. "Why not write an expose on Danning's alien STDs?"
Jack frowned. "Hey. That happened once."
Vala arched her eyebrows. "Even I know better than that. There is a such thing as protection, you know."
Landry cleared his throat. He obviously wasn't having as much fun with this as they were.
Teal'c jumped right in. "I suggest a story that concerns Grell fighting to save his people."
"He's a robot, Teal'c," Mitchell said. "He doesn't have people."
"It does not matter. And during his exploits, all who see him are taken by his courage and strength. Yet, he battles on."
Sam smiled. "That's nice, Teal'c. But Grell barely ever speaks."
"He speaks only when necessary."
They all stared at each other.
"Yeah, not buying that, either," Mitchell said. "So, what about me? Do I get a part in this flick?"
"You weren't part of SG-1 when I came up with my ideas," Martin said, sounding apologetic.
"So, write me in! I can deal with zombies, or ghosts, or something."
"And me," Vala said. "You need a sexy, tantalizing female for your story." She leaned over and flipped her hair. "It's guaranteed to bring you more viewers."
"Or make them run," Mitchell muttered.
She scowled and rolled her eyes. "Amateurs. I am surrounded by amateurs." She reached across the table and flashed one of her most dazzling smiles. "Darling, just add me in there and I promise not to disappoint."
Martin bit his lip. "I don't know…"
"Then, I can be comic relief!" she exclaimed.
Daniel tuned out Vala's pleas for inclusion and started to think of ideas of his own. This would be perfect to showcase exploration and ancient cultures. Daniel saw images of a brilliant, witty, and handsome archaeologist racing across the galaxy in search of treasures, while helping people along the way. He allowed himself to get lost in the imagery for a second, before he shook it off.
No, that would never happen. Making his onscreen counterpart a genius in every way wouldn't be realistic. That would be like making Monroe into a know-it-all.
Daniel shook off the thought and poured himself a cup of coffee. He passed the thermos over to Jack.
"You have many genres at your disposal," Teal'c said. "You may write comedy, drama, horror, or romance."
"Oh, romance," Martin said. He started flipping through pages of notes and he had a file tucked in his briefcase with photos that looked suspiciously like Asgard. "Okay, well what about this…I see a wedding. Off-world, with the suns setting over the Stargate. There are aliens friends there. What are your friends called?"
"Of which friends do you speak?" Teal'c asked.
"The gray aliens."
"Asgard," Mitchell offered.
"Ah, good ol' Thor," Jack said with a smile.
"Thor?" Martin scribbled the name down on his pad. "Okay, so there's a wedding, off-world, Thor presiding. Samantha Cart – I mean, Stacey Monroe steps out, her long, golden locks..."
Sam's eyes became as wide as saucers. "Excuse me?"
Jack blinked. "Golden?"
Daniel blinked. "Locks?"
Martin shook his head. "Okay, um," he began. "Stacey Monroe walks towards the dais, her heart enraptured as she gazes longingly at Colonel Danning."
Now, Sam's face turned completed red. "Excuse me?!?"
Jack glared at Martin. "Marty..."
Martin shakes his head again. "Okay, scratch that. Stacey Monroe walks toward the dais, her heart enraptured as she gazes longingly at Doctor Levant."
Daniel stared, mouth open.
Martin frowned. "No? Then, Grell, maybe?"
To Sam's surprise – and everyone else's –Teal'c smiled. Sam turned her full wrath onto Martin. "Are you trying to make me the SGC slut?"
Martin stuttered, flustered. "N-no, I mean..."
"That would be her job," Mitchell added, pointing to Vala.
"Who do you want?" Martin asked, before taking a moment to pause. "How about all of the old team?"
Sam actually looked like she was considering the suggestion. Daniel…wasn't sure how he felt about that. And judging by the blank expressions on both Jack and Teal'c's faces…The three of them just gawked at her.
"Hey!" Mitchell shouted. "What about me?"
"Stacey is carried off into the sunset by New Guy?" Martin asked.
Vala shook her head, looking disgusted. "That doesn't sound very catchy."
"It could work," Mitchell protested.
"I do not see you as fitting," Teal'c said.
"And you fit?"
Jack coughed. "I so did not need to know that."
"And I'd like for us to please stop talking about my love life, whether it's me or some character," Sam said, her voice edgy. "I am not defined by the men in my life."
Martin sighed and wrote something down in his notepad. "Okay how about...Daniel…Levant. Doctor Levant walks towards the dais, his heart enraptured as he gazes longingly at Colonel Danning."
Jack and Daniel both slammed down their coffee mugs at the same time. "What?"
Daniel and Jack appraised each other for a long moment, before shaking their heads. That was too creepy.
"New Guy and Grell?" Martin tried again.
Mitchell and Teal'c sat up in their seats, a little surprised, before they both looked away.
Martin sighed. "Then what?"
"Why not Vala?" Sam suggested. "Write her in your little wedding scenario."
"I've already done half this base," she admitted.
"You have?" Mitchell asked. "Already?"
"I'm just that good," Vala said, buffing her nails on her shirt.
Daniel rolled his eyes. Everyone else seemed to have had it as well. And Martin. Poor Martin. He'd given up and rested his head on the table.
"Why don't we take a break?" Landry stood and started to head toward his office. "Everyone can grab a bite to eat and settle in for the afternoon. It looks like we're going to be here for a while," he mumbled.
Daniel couldn't agree more. He rose to his feet, taking the last gulp of his coffee and started toward the door with everyone else, including Martin.
"It's probably for the best," Jack said to him as they walked around the table.
"The best?" Daniel asked.
Jack nodded, stealing a glance at Sam. "Carter's track record…"
"Oh." Yeah, Daniel wasn't even going to bring up Sam's romance problems. Or even his own.
With a shrug of his shoulders, Daniel let the weirdness go for the time being and thought about unwinding over some lunch with friends. They might as well make the most of the afternoon while Jack was around.
But there was one thing that was nagging at him.
As he passed by the end of the table, he glanced down to Martin's open notebook. He immediately found the passage on Monroe's wedding, noticing Martin had scribbled in some last minute changes after Sam's protests.
He couldn't help but laugh as he read the name that had replaced Colonel Danning.
"What is it?" Jack asked, pausing by the doorway.
"I was thinking we should invite the Asgard to see this film if it's ever released."
Jack eyed him closely. "Why's that?"
"Let's just say I don't think Thor would miss this for the world."