Title: The Naked Truth
Category: Vignette, Humor
Pairing/Character: Sam/Cameron UST, S9 Team
Summary: Cameron learns a little bit more than he wanted to know about SG-1
A/N: For the drabble tree at sam_cameron.
Disclaimer: Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned establishments
He wanted his normal team back.
Cameron kept his gaze focused on his cards, trying to pretend that all three of his teammates weren't in his line of sight. The cards, he thought to himself. Just look at the damn cards. Cards, cards, cards…
"Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c said, calling at him from across the table.
Please don't lean forward. Please don't lean forward…
Teal'c leaned forward. "If this is your attempt at a bluff, you have failed."
Cameron scooted his chair further from the table and away from Teal'c's looming face. He cleared his throat and glared at the cards.
"If you're out, just say you're out," Sam said.
She was bending toward him. Cameron tried to ignore the heat that rushed to his face, while pretending his ears never ever turned pink.
"Cam?" she asked.
He refused to look at her. "Just thinking," he managed to say.
"Yeah, for the past fifteen minutes," Jackson mumbled.
He heard a collective sigh and a slight scrape across the floor. Automatically, he lifted his head at the sound. He was sorry he had. Jackson had pushed back his chair so he could relax and pass the time by glaring at Cameron with his pissy look. He leaned into the back of the chair, spread out his legs, and folded his hands in his lap, waiting for Cameron to play his hand.
It was the most disconcerting thing Cameron had ever seen.
Quickly, he averted his gaze and dove for his drink.
"Cam?" Sam asked. Oh, God. Her hand touched his arm. "Are you okay?"
"Oh yeah." He cleared his throat again. "Just fine."
"You seem a little jumpy," Jackson said.
He heard Teal'c shift in his seat. Cameron hid deeper behind his flimsy little cards. "You are indeed jumpy."
"I'm fine, guys. Just fan-tastic." By now he knew that his face had to be turning shades of pink or purple. He was going to have a stroke.
"No, really." Now he heard Jackson shift, closer, closer… "You've been acting weird since we came back from BJ7-435."
Cameron laughed. A loud, full-out, bellyaching laugh. He ignored the perplexed looks his insane team gave him. He couldn't anymore. He just couldn't. "I'm weird," he said. "I'm weird." He grabbed his glass and took another swallow. "I'm not the one that's gone off and joined a nudist colony," he muttered into the glass.
"Excuse me?" Sam asked.
By now, Cameron had given up. "Nudist," he said. "You can't tell me that none of you realize you're just wearing your birthday suits."
They all stared at him like he was crazy. But he was the one that had kept his clothes on when they had come back through the Gate.
"You think we're naked?" Sam asked incredulously.
For the first time since they'd come back to the nudist-maker planet, Cameron looked at Sam. He eyed her from head to toe, mapping every curve, every blemish, every nook and cranny, and committed it to memory. There. Now he felt better. Now he could get slapped and have it mean something.
"Naked as the day you were born," he said with a grin.
He winced and waited for the slap, but it never came. She just stared at him. So did Teal'c. So did Jackson.
Then he had a horrible thought. What if they were sex-craved nudists?
"Do you actually think we're naked?" Jackson asked. Cameron heard him shift.
"Don't make me look at you, Jackson."
That shut him up.
But it also left Cameron confused. "You mean…you've not gone free loving on me?"
"No," Sam said. Her cheeks were turning pink. "Why didn't you report this?" Cameron went to open his mouth, but she shook her head. "It's not important. But it means either you're hallucinating or…"
"You can see through our clothing," Teal'c finished for her.
Cameron blinked. "Now, what the hell kind of funky alien mojo would make me see naked people?" That had to be the kinkiest alien weirdness he'd encountered yet.
"Maybe it's a test," Jackson said. Cameron didn't miss how he trying to stay as far away as possible from him.
Teal'c just plain didn't care and just let it all out. Cameron wanted to die.
"Or maybe it's a way to check for concealed weapons," Sam added.
Cameron's eyes drifted down to Sam's breasts.
"Eyes forward, mister."
"Or perhaps you are insane," Teal'c said.
Now, that was quite the possibility.
"Okay," Jackson said, standing.
Cameron cringed. He cringed again when Teal'c stood.
Sam stood last, motioning for Jackson and Teal'c to grab him, much to his dismay, but noticed that her movements, along with theirs, had become much more conservative. She kept her arms over her breasts.
"Infirmary," she said.
"Infirmary," he repeated.
He grimaced as Jackson and Teal'c manhandled him. As they led him down the corridor through … Holy! Naked people everywhere. He took small comfort in Sam's presence. She played it cool, but tried to "cover" as much of herself as possible, all the while never leaving his side. But it wasn't the shapes of her fleshy body that had attracted his attention the most. She'd exposed him to something he hadn't really ever seen before. It was that slight blush and that twinkle in her eyes.
Cam grinned. Not because she was naked, but because she had invited him in to see the truth.