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17 October 2007 @ 01:29 pm
SG-1 Fic: Cooking with Teal'c (Gen)  
Title: Cooking With Teal'c
Author: Moonshayde
Season: Ten
Category: Gen, Humor
Spoilers: None
Pairing/Character: Teal'c and Vala friendship; Team
Summary: Teal'c introduces Vala to The Food Network
Warnings: None – takes place early S10
Rating: PG

A/N: Birthday fic that I promised aurora_novarum. Not my greatest, but I promised. Many thanks autumndandelion and my other betas.

Disclaimer: Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned establishments


Vala lounged on Teal'c's bed and watched him arrange a table with various odds and ends from the cabinet in his room. Since they were in between missions and she wasn't allowed to have her own place, she had nothing better to do than to watch Teal'c play with his toys. Boring, dull toys.

She glanced at the stacks of unlit candles and sighed. He needed a life as much as she did.

"You've been on this planet long enough." Vala flipped through the pages of a magazine Sam had given her. "Surely, they let you out."

"They do." He continued to rummage through his cabinet.

"Then, let's do something."

"I do not believe the SGC will look favorably on allowing you off the base as of yet," he said.

She flopped on her back. "You can take me."

There was a shift in the mood in the room, one that caused Vala to raise her head. Teal'c stood in silence.

"Do you not want to take me?" she asked.

He turned his head, glancing at her over his shoulder. "There are those that remain who do not believe I should leave the SGC. And there are those that would prefer you to have a more experienced escort."

Vala rolled her eyes. Two aliens running around together in Colorado Springs should be the least of this planet's worries.

"We've never been ones to follow the rules," she said with a grin. "You. Me. Champagne." Vala slid to the edge of the bed. "We could light this boring town on fire."

"Of that, I am certain."

She grinned and hopped off the bed, preparing herself for a good time. She thought of the different restaurants she had seen driving with Daniel and the nightclubs that were always being promoted on the radio stations. This little town would never know what hit it.

Vala just needed to freshen up first. She grabbed her magazine and started for the doorway, pausing only when she realized she didn't have any idea where they would be spending their evening. "Where are we –?" Vala stopped, watching as Teal'c brought out something shiny. "They let you have knives?"


Well, that wasn't fair. Teal'c had a cache of hidden weapons in his room and all she got were books. Books. Old books that not even Daniel wanted, if that were even possible. Books that didn't lead to anywhere.

She needed to remedy that inequity immediately.

Vala reached out her hand. "Help a girl out?"

"Watch and learn."

Vala shivered with anticipation. Without another word, she grabbed one of his foldout chairs and dragged it over to the table. She rubbed her hands together and whispered into his ear, "Show me what you've got, Muscles."

And he did. He pulled out a head of cabbage.

Vala stared. "That's not exactly what I had in mind."

Teal'c grinned. He bent low, opening a small refrigerator Vala had failed to detect when she'd first arrived. In fact, under the table, she noticed a variety of portable cookware – an item called a hot plate, a small grill, and a few other bits that she couldn't identify.

Teal'c piled on the produce. Her hopes of freedom disappeared as she watched Teal'c arrange everything meticulously on the table. They weren't going anywhere.

She decided he definitely needed to get out of the mountain more often.

"You know, I can think of better ways to have fun."

He ignored her again, reaching over to switch on the television he kept behind the table. The crude Earth technology snapped to life, giving a less than impressive picture of a little chubby man as he prepared some food in his elaborate kitchen.

Vala blew at a few stray wisps of hair. If they were going to watch the television, Teal'c could have at least tuned to the channel with the naked people that she'd found at Cameron Mitchell's place.

"I know something more exciting on the Internet," she whispered to Teal'c. As she rose, she squeezed his shoulder. "We could slide into my room and –"

Teal'c took her by the shoulder and sat her down. Vala huffed at the stern glare he gave her. She felt a lecture coming on. Something about the Tau'ri this or the Tau'ri that and...

Teal'c tossed a pepper in the air and swept upward, cleaving it in two. The pieces fell onto the table with a thump. She stared at his triumphant face.

"Shall we begin, Vala Mal Doran?"


Sam, Daniel, and Mitchell sat at the empty commissary table in silence. Before them, sat three dishes, prepared and garnished, followed by the two proud chefs that had prepared them. Daniel scratched his chin and eyed Vala and Teal'c, who waited expectantly for the verdict.

Daniel swallowed hard. "Uh, which one of you made this?"

Mitchell leaned over and spoke out of the side of his mouth. "Does it matter?"

"I heard that," Vala said with a scowl. She pushed the plate closer to Daniel. "I made this one especially for you."

Daniel fought not to wince. He slid the plate back. "It looks great but—"

Teal'c slid it back. "You will eat."

Daniel didn't have a problem with eating. Daniel liked to eat; however, he also preferred food that didn't look like it was nuclear.

"That was nice of you to call us in and cook for us," Sam said, the corners of her mouth twitching as she eyed her plate.

Daniel had grown accustomed to that look long ago. He'd first seen it at Janet's house years ago when Cassie had tried her hand at cooking.

They'd ended up on stand down for a week.

Teal'c just smiled at her comment. "It is my pleasure, Colonel Carter." He clasped his hands behind his back and waited.

Sam smiled uneasily before turning her attention back to her food. She picked at her plate with her fork and lifted up a bright vegetable. "Why is this red?"

"Vegetables can be red," Vala said.

Sam stared. "It's broccoli."

Vala shrugged. "Flavor."

Red broccoli. That's all Daniel needed to know. He stood to leave, but Teal'c's firm glare sent him back to his seat. He knew none of them would be leaving until they ate something.

"You'll love it," Vala said. "We copied it from a cooking show."

Daniel arched his eyebrows and glanced at Mitchell, who was smiling.

"Which cooking show?" Sam asked.

Vala grinned. "BAM!" She hit the table, nearly causing them to jump out their seats.

Daniel exchanged another uneasy look with Mitchell and then Sam. If they had at least used a cooking show as a guide, maybe it wasn't as horrible as they thought.

"Oh, hell," Mitchell said. "It's stir-fry. It can't be that bad."

Famous last words, Daniel thought. After a long pause, the three decided to give up and took a bite of their dinner.


Teal'c watched his friends bolt from the table, running to the nearest washrooms. A few stray officers eyed him and Vala with curiosity before they lost interest and exited the room. Many on the base had long ago decided to leave Teal'c be.

Both he and Vala remained silent as they waited patiently for their friends to return. The wait was short. Within minutes, they reemerged with reddened noses and watering eyes.

"Is this payback?" Mitchell demanded.


"For what?" Daniel asked. He wiped at his tongue and shuddered.

"That is what you get for leaving us out," Vala said, holding her head high.

"We never leave you out," Sam said.

"Yesterday. Afternoon." Vala crossed her arms.

Daniel shook his head. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"As you were coming into base, you failed to provide us refreshments," Teal'c said.

Mitchell laughed. "You're mad at us because we stopped to get some coffee before we came to work?"

"No, no," Daniel narrowed his eyes. "There's more to this. They want something."

Teal'c grinned.


Vala and Teal'c clinked their glasses. She took a sip of her champagne and dove into her meal.

She beamed as she chewed on the grilled chicken. The food was fantastic – much better than the strange combinations the little loud man on the television enjoyed. Though, she supposed the food had promise as long as Teal'c left out the cayenne pepper.

Sighing with satisfaction, Vala reached for her drink. No escorts. No mountain. No interruptions. Sam and Cameron had made sure of it.

And Daniel had paid for it.

Vala smiled and held up the glass. Teal'c's eyes gleamed as he did the same.

Just two aliens lighting up the town. She couldn't think a better way to spend her evening. That is, until the next cooking show.

Current Mood: coldcold
ticklie: teal'c humourticklie on October 17th, 2007 05:53 pm (UTC)
:D This entire fic is made of win. And Teal'c is so brilliant to come up with this plan instead of following Vala's more direct approach. I'm still laughing at the mention of Mitchell's channel with the naked people.
Working for the Mandroid: Hatmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:28 am (UTC)
Teal'c is incredibly intelligent and sneaky. I love him :)


majorsamfan: Indeedmajorsamfan on October 17th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)

Should come with warning not to read at work with others in the vicinity!

EVOL!Teal'c! pushing the plate back and Daniel and then pushing said archaeologist back down into his chair - BWAHAAHAAHAA
aurora_novarum: SG-1 Kickin Assaurora_novarum on October 17th, 2007 07:24 pm (UTC)
Nice icon! *so wants the Teal'c PI spinoff*
(no subject) - majorsamfan on October 17th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - moonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
beanpotbeanpot on October 17th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC)
Hee - that was really cute! The image of red broccoli from the cayenne pepper made me cringe, but I loved the rest of the team's reactions to their "meal".
Working for the Mandroid: Corporalmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:30 am (UTC)
Thanks! :)
6beforelunch on October 17th, 2007 06:52 pm (UTC)
Hee! That was great. I love Teal'c staring down Daniel and Vala's "BAM!" *g* So much fun.
majorsamfan: boobs and bombsmajorsamfan on October 17th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
Nice hip-action Teal'c/Vala icon!
(no subject) - moonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
aurora_novarum: teddy danielaurora_novarum on October 17th, 2007 07:23 pm (UTC)
Yay! I loved this story. Even Vala not noticing Teal'c's little fridge and he's all set up to watch the cooking channels. :-)

The observations Vala's made about Cam's tv and the world outside.

"Bam!" Hee hee.

The spicy cayenne broccoli making sweet revenge. The team knowing they're so screwed and putting up with it (well, Daniel tried to escape, heh--that's probably why he picked up the check).

Working for the Mandroid: Look Beyondmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:52 am (UTC)
Not as good as the other two fics I've written for you, but I am pleased with it just the same :)

I'm glad that you enjoyed it! :)
maychorian: Teeheemaychorian on October 17th, 2007 07:40 pm (UTC)
Sooooo wonderful! :D Excellent comedic timing throughout. I felt like I was sitting there with them--all very in character.

Red broccoli! Hee! And the "BAM!"

Thanks for brightening my day.
Working for the Mandroid: Luke and Vadermoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:50 am (UTC)
I'm glad! I was a little worried about Vala, but I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :)
Ms. 3Mms_3m on October 17th, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
A most 'delicious' break in my working afternoon. ::G::

As was said earlier, I loved the comedic pacing and dialog of this fic. Good voice and characterization.

And 'BAM!'..... L-O-V-E-D it!

Well done.

Working for the Mandroid: Silencemoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:44 am (UTC)
Yay! Thanks! I'm glad you had fun with it.
Deniseskydiver119 on October 17th, 2007 10:21 pm (UTC)
this is sooo cute

man i wish we'd have gotten some of this cuteness in the show
Working for the Mandroid: Boysmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:43 am (UTC)

I agree. I would have loved to see more moments between the characters that showed both their friendships and crafty personality quirks.
eclipsegigerisgod on October 17th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
Dude, I laughed out loud reading this.

So many wonderful, funny and true to character moments.

Mitchell's got the porno channel. Hee. Teal'c and Vala are perfect. So very happy I stopped to read this.
Working for the Mandroid: Intensemoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:42 am (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you stopped by. Glad you enjoyed it :)
(Deleted comment)
Working for the Mandroid: Battle Readymoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:41 am (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad that you enjoyed it :)
I am never merry when I hear sweet musicpaper_tzipporah on October 18th, 2007 01:03 am (UTC)
You're a genius.
"Which cooking show?" Sam asked.

Vala grinned. "BAM!" She hit the table, nearly causing them to jump out their seats.

The whole thing was BRILLIANT, but that bit gave me flashbacks to drunken girls nights watching Emeril. GOOD TIMES.
Working for the Mandroid: Couragemoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
Re: You're a genius.
LOL Drunken girls nights with Emeril. Oh man. That must have been a sight to see.

Glad you liked it!
Amy Cooperamycooper on October 18th, 2007 01:18 am (UTC)
OMG! This rocks!
Working for the Mandroid: Steadfastmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:36 am (UTC)
grow your own damn wings: Smilesoapbox_solo38 on October 18th, 2007 02:18 am (UTC)
Oh, this is love. ^^ Teal'c, cook? What? Dear Lord, the broccoli's red! Run! Nice job.

[Sam stared. "It's broccoli."]
Working for the Mandroid: Her Gazemoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:33 am (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed. :)
ridin' the star mile: vala-steelstargazercmc on October 18th, 2007 02:41 am (UTC)
Bwahahahahahaha! Love it.

Teal'c is a crafty one. Man, I love Vala/Teal'c friendship fic. Nice job.
Working for the Mandroid: Look Backmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 02:53 am (UTC)
Thanks! I love Teal'c/Vala friendship fic, too. We need more of it.

And I need a Teal'c/Vala icon, grr.
Meredith: Vala and Teal'c - arm-wrestlexfirefly9x on October 18th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
Hee! Awesome!! *giggles*

I love Vala and Teal'c together!
Working for the Mandroid: Cagedmoonshayde on October 18th, 2007 11:12 am (UTC)
Thanks! And I love that scene capped in your icon :)