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03 April 2009 @ 06:19 pm
Thoughts from an SPN fan  
I'm reluctant to talk about Supernatural in my LJ. I've been mulling over why it's such an issue with me and after weeks of reflection I realized I still have no clue why.

I love the show. It's no secret that I really love this show. I still stand by my assessment that even on its worst days, SPN is one of the most well-written, acted, and produced shows on TV right now. Sometimes it's even hard for me to watch other stuff on TV because I know it just won't compare to what I get out of SPN. If I am such an ardent supporter, why can't I talk about it?

I think there are a lot of factors, but I fail at being able to express them into words properly. The whole Sam vs. Dean thing in the fandom is certainly a big chunk of it. I am very sensitive to it, so much so that it's ridiculous at times. But it's funny I should be so sensitive since I am barely involved IN the fandom. I made that a conscious effort. My over involvement in SG-1 hurt some of my enjoyment of that show so I didn't want to do it again. I stay awake from the wank and the character wars and the bashing. I rarely read reactions to the show and I avoid forums, boards, and I'm even overly cautious about chatting with people. I try to make my experience, as limited as it is, a stress free experience. I have enough of that in my life.

So, I just want to write fic that hopefully some people will like, but if not it's still there just for me. I want to make art and play with media. I just want to have fun.

Yet, I barely say boo. I'm tired of whatever I say having to be qualified by something else. I'm tired of having to defend characters or be misunderstood. I'm tired of any minor criticisms or fears I have being such an issue. Once, I might have been afraid of voicing my opinion, but I'm not afraid of my opinions anymore. I'm just tired of defending them.

Also, I do care about others and I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. So if I don't like a character, I hold back so that I won't hurt someone who does. I don't appreciate it when people come up to me and slam my fave character to my face. I don't like it when someone gets all passive aggressive about what I like and turns it on me. Therefore, I don't want to accidentally do it to someone else.

Everyone is always so on edge. I wish we all could relax a bit.

I'm a Deangirl and I'm not ashamed of it. However, I really like Sam. I like Sam enough that I get annoyed when I see him put down. Dean is always going to trump Sam for me. Always. That is just the way it is. But that doesn't mean I don't like Sam episodes or I'm not interested in Sam's arc. It just means I am more interested in Dean's.

But something else is even more important than THAT. For me, the core of this show is the relationship between the brothers. That is priority for me. I get twitchy when I see people putting down either brother, though I am obviously more sensitive when it happens with Dean. In fact, I encounter so much Dean hate that I just throw up my hands and quit. (And yes, I know it exists for Sam, too. But I am more sensitive to the Dean stuff.)

I don't want to withdraw to the point of disappearing.

I want to talk to other fans. I want to have discussions and speculate. I want get excited with like minds. I want to squee with other people. I want to have fun and I want people to have fun with me.

I just can't seem to do it. :(
Current Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
lastwordslinger on April 3rd, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
This might sound weird and nothing like what you're going through, but I worry I squee too much. I see other people with complaints and gripes, and it always makes me wonder a little if I am a bad fan because I inherently cheer over (nearly) everything in the show "without question". This bugs me to the point that when people sum things up by calling them silly or gag-worthy or whatever negative phrase they choose, it makes me feel like they are insulting me by extension because I enjoyed the things they hated. Then again, that might be hypersensitive of me. :/ And as a result, I don't talk to other people about it as much as I'd like, aside from posting reviews in my own journal, that is.

Like you said, even their poorly-done episodes are better than most TV programs out there. So I can appreciate that you want to censor yourself sometimes, but at the same time, you shouldn't have to. Your journal is your domain to say whatever you like, and that includes opinions on Supernatural. ;) If others don't like them, they can skip it. That seems to be the general rule with most people, at any rate. No reason you can't do the same. :)
Jill: SPN - Ackles 13dawnfirenight on April 3rd, 2009 11:09 pm (UTC)
This bugs me to the point that when people sum things up by calling them silly or gag-worthy or whatever negative phrase they choose, it makes me feel like they are insulting me by extension because I enjoyed the things they hated.

I thought I was the only one who did that! When I squee over something and then see people hating on it, I suddenly feel like maybe I shouldn't be squeeing. :S This is why I only ever really read episode reviews from, like, four people now.
Working for the Mandroidmoonshayde on April 3rd, 2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
I don't really read episode reviews for the same reason. I find them too negative. And I feel better now that I don't feel like I need to post them myself :)
Jill: SPN - Demon!Deandawnfirenight on April 3rd, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah - I mean, I still post mine, but it's mostly for my own benefit so I can look back at it later and remember how I felt, as well as for the benefit of about three people I know who still read them - two of my RL friends and then the person who got me into SPN in the first place. I never cross-post them anywhere anymore, and my journal's pretty much exclusively friends-only.

I like lurking in fandom well enough, but it's when I stumble into debate/wank that I start to get really depressed, and it just ruins my overall enjoyment of something that was, originally, something I didn't really share with anyone. Fandom has its definite upsides, but its downsides sometimes get to me a little bit too much.
Working for the Mandroid: brothers (winchester)moonshayde on April 3rd, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
It's really a balancing act, isn't it? I'm really glad I just basically stick to my flist these days. I know I enjoy things much better that way :)
lastwordslinger on April 3rd, 2009 11:30 pm (UTC)
Same here! I have my people I squee with and that's about it. I feel bad sometimes for not wanting to get into the meta/discussions with my flist, but the debate just brings me down sometimes. If I have meta I feel a need to share, I'll post it in my own journal. Otherwise, I'm more apt to hide from those things these days. I also try to make a point of warning people if something is going to be negative, so they have the option of steering clear if they want. I wish more people did that, actually.
Working for the Mandroid: Gravemoonshayde on April 4th, 2009 12:52 pm (UTC)
When you have the smarts to know when you want to jump into discussion and when you don't. I think that is the most important part :)
Working for the Mandroid: Focusedmoonshayde on April 3rd, 2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
The whole hypersensitivity thing is hard. I know that when I squee hard over something I loved that everyone seemed to hate, i feel funny. Also, if I hated somethign everyone else seemed to love, then it's always weird.

It's just how things go I guess.