I love the show. It's no secret that I really love this show. I still stand by my assessment that even on its worst days, SPN is one of the most well-written, acted, and produced shows on TV right now. Sometimes it's even hard for me to watch other stuff on TV because I know it just won't compare to what I get out of SPN. If I am such an ardent supporter, why can't I talk about it?
I think there are a lot of factors, but I fail at being able to express them into words properly. The whole Sam vs. Dean thing in the fandom is certainly a big chunk of it. I am very sensitive to it, so much so that it's ridiculous at times. But it's funny I should be so sensitive since I am barely involved IN the fandom. I made that a conscious effort. My over involvement in SG-1 hurt some of my enjoyment of that show so I didn't want to do it again. I stay awake from the wank and the character wars and the bashing. I rarely read reactions to the show and I avoid forums, boards, and I'm even overly cautious about chatting with people. I try to make my experience, as limited as it is, a stress free experience. I have enough of that in my life.
So, I just want to write fic that hopefully some people will like, but if not it's still there just for me. I want to make art and play with media. I just want to have fun.
Yet, I barely say boo. I'm tired of whatever I say having to be qualified by something else. I'm tired of having to defend characters or be misunderstood. I'm tired of any minor criticisms or fears I have being such an issue. Once, I might have been afraid of voicing my opinion, but I'm not afraid of my opinions anymore. I'm just tired of defending them.
Also, I do care about others and I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. So if I don't like a character, I hold back so that I won't hurt someone who does. I don't appreciate it when people come up to me and slam my fave character to my face. I don't like it when someone gets all passive aggressive about what I like and turns it on me. Therefore, I don't want to accidentally do it to someone else.
Everyone is always so on edge. I wish we all could relax a bit.
I'm a Deangirl and I'm not ashamed of it. However, I really like Sam. I like Sam enough that I get annoyed when I see him put down. Dean is always going to trump Sam for me. Always. That is just the way it is. But that doesn't mean I don't like Sam episodes or I'm not interested in Sam's arc. It just means I am more interested in Dean's.
But something else is even more important than THAT. For me, the core of this show is the relationship between the brothers. That is priority for me. I get twitchy when I see people putting down either brother, though I am obviously more sensitive when it happens with Dean. In fact, I encounter so much Dean hate that I just throw up my hands and quit. (And yes, I know it exists for Sam, too. But I am more sensitive to the Dean stuff.)
I don't want to withdraw to the point of disappearing.
I want to talk to other fans. I want to have discussions and speculate. I want get excited with like minds. I want to squee with other people. I want to have fun and I want people to have fun with me.
I just can't seem to do it. :(