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25 September 2009 @ 11:56 am
Just a Few Words about SPN Fandom and Me  
Not that I need to explain myself, but I feel like talking today ;)

As you know, I haven't been really reading any reaction posts, not even from close friends. I've completely overdosed on the anxiety in fandom. I have enough anxiety. I don't need more ;)

I understand it, though. Watching Sam and Dean apart, each suffering in their own way is very hard, especially after Season 4 with some people identifying with Sam more and other with Dena more. Sam's battling doubt and guilt and the consequences of all his decisions, while Dean is rationalizing that all his problems were tied to his family bonds and now he's free that means he can enjoy life again. In reality, it is an excuse and he's going to learn there is no quick fix to feeling better. All his problems aren't going to go away just because he's not with Sam.

It's hard to watch, especially when a lot of who I am and what is going on in my life mirrors what Dean is going through. (Though, thankfully on a much much less epic scale, LOL.) But I appreciate how realistic it is, and man. We are getting MORE character growth. As someone really invested in plot and character, I am dizzy at just how much development we see every week.

And okay, I know I am weird for saying this, but my real life stuff impacts how I react to the show. I love the show. I love the characters. I look forward to Thursday. And everything is so well done that I go crazy waiting for Thursday to come. It's my escape and my fun! But at the same time, Thursday represents the coming of the end of the week, and I reflect back on everything I didn't accomplish. So I also am anxious for Thursdays. The way I post and react and talk is impacted by this. On good weeks, when I'm feeling good and stress is lower, I squee hard. On weeks where I feel burdened and heavy, I am quieter and more subdued.

So I am eager for Thursday every week while dreading it. That sort of influences how I post, I think, so my posts are less squeeful than the reality. I just have so much on my plate that I'm feeling guilty indulging in SPN sometimes. Add that to just trying to hold onto my sanity and fandom being so volatile, that I have to tone it down and reign it in or else I'll snap. I did last year in the beginning of S4 and that was insane and dumb.

Then there is my selfishness. Years ago, before I started watching the show, I started to outline and pen a story about brothers in conflict, pawns in an angel/demon showdown. I was going for my masters at the time, and would think about it while driving and then jot down snatches of what I'd done mentally on scraps of paper once I found a parking space.

When I finally started watching SPN, I was like okay...well, similar but that's okay. There are no angels on this show, so I'm safe. Oh crap. Well, that's all right because Kripke would never...OH CRAP. So, in a very selfish way, I get nervous every week that there will yet something else that I had considered in my story. I still want to write it. I think it would be an awesome series. But I worry so much that it will look like a bad ripoff of SPN when it's really just coincidence. I don't want to be some hack. I can't even touch the thing until SPN is done its run because I want to give it some distance so it can breath on its own *sigh* So yeah, that factors in as well ;)

I think that is why I tend to be a little guarded in fandom discussion. A little bit of everything. So I'm not out to harsh anyone's squee. If something bugs you, you have every right to that opinion. I just am avoiding most of the discussion at this time so we don't want to throttle each other ;)

I just remind myself of this. SPN is an awesome story. Great writing, acting, everything. It's not perfect and I can't control it. But it often gives us what we need over what we want and that is the mark of great story telling.

Of course I want the brothers back together and I get sad that they are apart, but that's the point. We're supposed to feel sad and frustrated and hurt. They'll get back together. They may yo-yo over the course of the season, but they will be on the same side eventually. And while I am not expecting a perfect happy ending, I do expect that they'll overcome and defeat evil together. Don't know what shape they'll be in afterward, but I do expect them to be start healing through the season and whether they become vessels or not by the end, they'll still find a way to come out on top somehow.

Otherwise, that would be sucky writing and, well, SPN just can't suck ;)

So yeah. More than you probably care to know. I'll stop rambling now!
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
lastwordslinger on September 25th, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC)
You and I are so much alike when it comes to stuff like this that it scares me a little, hehe.

I've discovered that when I write reviews for the episodes, I do it for me. Writing out my thoughts helps me sort them, and sometimes SPN (last night is a great example) can make for some mixed emotions and almost too much future speculation. But when I write a review and force myself to organize how I feel and what I think, I find myself getting a chance to analyze it more clearly. So whether anyone reads is up to them, but really it's for my own processing.

And I have had to be very careful whose review I read. Even among my friends. There are a couple of people on my flist, as much as I love them, who almost seem to take pleasure in harshing the squee. So I understand that, too.
Working for the Mandroid: Castiel's Chargemoonshayde on September 25th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
You and I are so much alike when it comes to stuff like this that it scares me a little, hehe.

Am I in your brain again?

I write reviews and thoughts if I'm in the mood. I got tired of getting jumped on last year so I quit. I also complained more than I wanted to and found it was counter productive.

This year I'm writing my thoughts just because I want to. Maybe I'll keep going. Maybe I'll quit. But like you, it's for me and me alone.

Some people just like to complain, I think. I just am not going to let myself get upset anymore ;)
MegTDJ: SPN - Sam Dean passing the torchmeg_tdj on September 25th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
*nods* Makes total sense. :)
Working for the Mandroid: Badass Ellenmoonshayde on September 25th, 2009 09:10 pm (UTC)
Good :)
got-no-strings: rideDeangot_no_strings on September 26th, 2009 02:09 am (UTC)
Otherwise, that would be sucky writing and, well, SPN just can't suck ;)
True. (have yet to watch 5.03 darn I've exceeded my allowance)
My youngest sis got teary when watching the end of 5.02.
I told her its needed for character and story development. Which she understands and is ok with that.
I related to both bros on different occasions but they need space to rediscover themselves, people would think they dont have the time to do that when its near-Apocalypse but I think if they dont then they wont be able to think straight and that will put that at an even more disadvantage which they cant afford.
I've had some big nasty fights with my other sister, we are best friends and worst enemies and it takes us a month to start talking again. Its normal.

*hugs* you wont get any complaining out of me, I love the bros dynamic but I'm curious to see them on their own too. And I wont be taking sides :)
     Mandya_phoenixdragon on September 26th, 2009 08:26 am (UTC)

Honey, you know there are only seven stories in teh world, right? I ripped up a four hundred page novel many years ago - because I read Interview With a Vampire - and the leasd mirrored MY lead too much - don't make the same mistake! Write and be happy, m'love!

And yeah, this post kicked ass!!

*hugs you*
Banana Cave: Monk: Monk Angrybanana_cave on September 27th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
I can understand you not wanting to read reaction posts. I got into an argument with my husband after we watched SPN. He disagreed with me and I disagreed with him, and he kept trying to convince me he was right (about something that hasn't even happened yet in the show) and I didn't agree with what he was saying at all. It was pointless and pissing me off. I finally told him to shut up about it because I didn't agree with him about the character.

If my husband who I love can piss me off that much, I'm sure fans online can get really into it. Add in the stuff about your story, and I completely understand your viewpoint.