Working for the Mandroid (moonshayde) wrote,
Working for the Mandroid

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Just a Few Words about SPN Fandom and Me

Not that I need to explain myself, but I feel like talking today ;)

As you know, I haven't been really reading any reaction posts, not even from close friends. I've completely overdosed on the anxiety in fandom. I have enough anxiety. I don't need more ;)

I understand it, though. Watching Sam and Dean apart, each suffering in their own way is very hard, especially after Season 4 with some people identifying with Sam more and other with Dena more. Sam's battling doubt and guilt and the consequences of all his decisions, while Dean is rationalizing that all his problems were tied to his family bonds and now he's free that means he can enjoy life again. In reality, it is an excuse and he's going to learn there is no quick fix to feeling better. All his problems aren't going to go away just because he's not with Sam.

It's hard to watch, especially when a lot of who I am and what is going on in my life mirrors what Dean is going through. (Though, thankfully on a much much less epic scale, LOL.) But I appreciate how realistic it is, and man. We are getting MORE character growth. As someone really invested in plot and character, I am dizzy at just how much development we see every week.

And okay, I know I am weird for saying this, but my real life stuff impacts how I react to the show. I love the show. I love the characters. I look forward to Thursday. And everything is so well done that I go crazy waiting for Thursday to come. It's my escape and my fun! But at the same time, Thursday represents the coming of the end of the week, and I reflect back on everything I didn't accomplish. So I also am anxious for Thursdays. The way I post and react and talk is impacted by this. On good weeks, when I'm feeling good and stress is lower, I squee hard. On weeks where I feel burdened and heavy, I am quieter and more subdued.

So I am eager for Thursday every week while dreading it. That sort of influences how I post, I think, so my posts are less squeeful than the reality. I just have so much on my plate that I'm feeling guilty indulging in SPN sometimes. Add that to just trying to hold onto my sanity and fandom being so volatile, that I have to tone it down and reign it in or else I'll snap. I did last year in the beginning of S4 and that was insane and dumb.

Then there is my selfishness. Years ago, before I started watching the show, I started to outline and pen a story about brothers in conflict, pawns in an angel/demon showdown. I was going for my masters at the time, and would think about it while driving and then jot down snatches of what I'd done mentally on scraps of paper once I found a parking space.

When I finally started watching SPN, I was like okay...well, similar but that's okay. There are no angels on this show, so I'm safe. Oh crap. Well, that's all right because Kripke would never...OH CRAP. So, in a very selfish way, I get nervous every week that there will yet something else that I had considered in my story. I still want to write it. I think it would be an awesome series. But I worry so much that it will look like a bad ripoff of SPN when it's really just coincidence. I don't want to be some hack. I can't even touch the thing until SPN is done its run because I want to give it some distance so it can breath on its own *sigh* So yeah, that factors in as well ;)

I think that is why I tend to be a little guarded in fandom discussion. A little bit of everything. So I'm not out to harsh anyone's squee. If something bugs you, you have every right to that opinion. I just am avoiding most of the discussion at this time so we don't want to throttle each other ;)

I just remind myself of this. SPN is an awesome story. Great writing, acting, everything. It's not perfect and I can't control it. But it often gives us what we need over what we want and that is the mark of great story telling.

Of course I want the brothers back together and I get sad that they are apart, but that's the point. We're supposed to feel sad and frustrated and hurt. They'll get back together. They may yo-yo over the course of the season, but they will be on the same side eventually. And while I am not expecting a perfect happy ending, I do expect that they'll overcome and defeat evil together. Don't know what shape they'll be in afterward, but I do expect them to be start healing through the season and whether they become vessels or not by the end, they'll still find a way to come out on top somehow.

Otherwise, that would be sucky writing and, well, SPN just can't suck ;)

So yeah. More than you probably care to know. I'll stop rambling now!
Tags: tv: supernatural discussion/meta

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